HEALTHY EASTER EGGS

By Tim Colin
I recently went to downtown Traverse City Michigan to visit the Veggie Confectionaries Corporation. This small town business is internationally famous for making healthy candy treats out of hated vegetables like rutabagas, turnips and okra. The candied okra pods were a favorite gift given out by Russian Nobility to the peasant classes each Christmas. Why the peasants revolted against such kindnesses is still one of histories mysteries.

This year the VCC is branching out and making up several million batches of healthy Easter Candy including both eggs and bunnies. This year the bunnies will be made out of replicated soy butter and flavored on the outside with reengineered outdated chocolate milk that the VCC received free of charge from a dairy located in New Mexico. Unlike most Easter Bunnies these bunnies are not hollow on the inside. Instead, each bunny is carefully injected with an entire can of cream of broccoli soup mixed with imitation maple syrup. The imitation maple syrup really kicks it up a notch.

Now, before you get on the internet to order a few dozen delectable bunnies from VCC you should also consider ordering some very special heart healthy Easter Eggs. VCC does not make Easter Eggs out of real eggs. Instead, they make their eggs out of carefully selected turnips which they hand carve into perfect looking white eggs. Then, each egg is carefully dipped into beet juice which turns each egg a beautiful red. After the beet juice has seeped deep into the turnip, the turnip is then boiled until it is mushy just like a real boiled egg. It is then time for the eggs to go to have their insides drained out. After the turnip has no guts left inside of it out then, a mixture of honey, brown sugar and chopped fried onion bits is blown into the egg. After the egg is full the hole is then sealed lovingly with a dash of confectionaries sugar.

It is obvious that this year we are all in for some really healthy treats when it comes to Easter Candy. Everyone today is talking about health reform but, a big part of health reform has to do with reforming ourselves. We must all dedicate ourselves to eating healthy foods made out of things no one wants to eat.