BUSINESS NEWS
By Tim Colin
A few years ago when the public was shocked to find out that our most brilliant minds at NASA wear plastic underwear on spaceflights and to kidnap romantic rivals. Although the American people were surprised by the usage of plastic underwear such surprise gave way to acceptance especially among he younger generations. Many started to wear their underwear on the outside of their clothes just to prove to everyone that their underwear was truly made out of leak proof plastic and not that cottony stuff that just gets wet, sticks to your body and after a while gets really cold. Plastic underwear, on the other hand, holds the heat in and up close to your body. It’s like walking around with your own personal waterbed.
Of course if it’s number two and not number one then, you might not want to walk around with it unchanged for too long. For example, people that wear smelly underwear often have trouble getting dates. My cousin Smelly is 27 years old and she has never even been kissed let alone gone out on a date. Furthermore, when she leaves the room no one misses her.
If of course you find no place to dump your underwear holdings then you might try a brand new product known as "Dump Deoderant". Dump deoderant is gurananteed to cover up the smell of the worst dumpings your plastic underwear is holding.
Now what is really wonderful about "Dump Deoderant" is that it comes in three wonderful scents: hospital, funeral home and, basic bleech. Clearly there is a scent for everyone in your family to use. That way on those long car trips not only will baby feel and smell fresh as laundry soap but the other members of your family can have their own unique smell to cover up their dumpings (provided there are no more than three people in the family besides the baby).
Sunday, October 29, 2023
Wednesday, June 30, 2021
TAKE A BACKWOODS TOUR IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN
By Tim Colin
When you live way up north you have to come up with creative ways of making a living. One business that I have done well at is giving city people backwoods tour guides. Last year I took people out to the swamp bogs so they could get a good look at quicksand. The funny thing is about half way through the tour everyone would disappear. I guess they thought my tour was boring and took off to the bar. I did learn to take cash up front before I gave a tour. Those people that lit out on me during my quicksand tours ended up not paying and they never answered their phones when I would call them.
This year I have a brand new tour. The annual Martin Mushroom Festival which I believe they have every year, seemed like a great backdrop for my new business, mushroom tours. All I would have to do is advertise in a big city that has a lot of rich people. Well, Detroit is broke but, Chicago has a lot of rich people so I decided to blanket that area with advertising. I did not have any money to spend but, my brother has a cell phone that has unlimited calling during the week provided you call after eleven o’clock at night.
I then offered a buddy of mine a free pitcher of OMB beer if could get me some people signed up for my mushroom hunting tour. He just had to make cold calls some night. It was only a couple of days later that my buddy got arrested for harassing people on the phone. But, before he went to jail he did hook me up with this couple from Chicago who were willing to pay me $500.00 to take them mushroom hunting for the Martin Mushroom festival. Now, not only was I about to make three months wages for just a couple of days work but, I got to drink the pitcher of OMB beer myself since my buddy was in jail and expected to stay there the rest of the spring and maybe part of the summer.
The Chicago couple had lots of bucks. He worked as a store manager and she worked as a nurse. They seemed nice. They were in their forties so they were too old for me to hang out with but, I took them to a nice sports bar where sometimes a former pro athlete drops by. I bought them each a shot of Absolute and then took them to their hotel and put them to bed. It was nine o’clock and I wanted these city slickers to get a good nights rest before I took them into the backwoods. They were both on the pudgy side so, I hoped neither of them would have a heart attack.
After I dropped the old folks off, I went to a topless bar. The next day when we got to the woods I regretted staying out until two. All the birds sounded like they were screaming in my ears and the swamp mold were doing a job to my sinuses. We walked through a swamp and then a black berry briar patch and then, we came across a whole slug of mushrooms. Since we were going to the morel mushroom festival, I figured these must be morel mushrooms. My brother once had his stomach pumped when he ate a mess of poison mushrooms. But, for $500.00 I was willing to take a chance that these were morels and anyway, these people should not be going mushroom hunting if they did not know what they were doing. Furthermore, the people at the mushroom festival would tell us if these were not morel mushrooms the geezers seemed real happy filling up their bag with the stringy pink capped beauties.
After we returned to the car we drove to Martin where the mushroom festival was held. Unfortunately, I was a bit off on my dates and the mushroom festival did not start until the following weekend. The couple was a little perturbed but, I suggested that they come back the next weekend and I would only charge them half price for my services. They agreed.
The couple returned to Chicago with their mushrooms. Three days went by and I had not heard from them in regards to their upcoming redeployment to the mushroom woods during the Martin Mushroom festival. Finally, on Thursday I gave them a call. Some strange lady answered the phone. When I asked to talk to my customers she said that she was their daughter and that her parents were both in the hospital. I immediately envisioned that my middle-aged meal tickets had been in some terrible accident. When I asked the daughter she said no, they had not been in a car accident. Instead, she said, her parents had gone up North to hunt mushrooms with some “creepy backwoods guy”. The daughter then told me that “the creep” had gotten her parents to pick some deadly poisonous mushrooms. She said her parents fried the mushrooms up like “the creep” told them to do and then, ate the mushrooms with steak and red wine. The daughter did say that her parents would be fine but, they would be turning “the creep” into the Better Business Bureau.
When the daughter asked who I was I decided I had better just hang up the phone. I then decided that the next time I take people mushroom hunting I would first buy a bag of morel mushrooms and then just find a spot and stick them in the ground. (We do the same thing when we guide deer and moose hunters up here). The people would be happy to find the mushrooms and I would still get paid.
When you live way up north you have to come up with creative ways of making a living. One business that I have done well at is giving city people backwoods tour guides. Last year I took people out to the swamp bogs so they could get a good look at quicksand. The funny thing is about half way through the tour everyone would disappear. I guess they thought my tour was boring and took off to the bar. I did learn to take cash up front before I gave a tour. Those people that lit out on me during my quicksand tours ended up not paying and they never answered their phones when I would call them.
This year I have a brand new tour. The annual Martin Mushroom Festival which I believe they have every year, seemed like a great backdrop for my new business, mushroom tours. All I would have to do is advertise in a big city that has a lot of rich people. Well, Detroit is broke but, Chicago has a lot of rich people so I decided to blanket that area with advertising. I did not have any money to spend but, my brother has a cell phone that has unlimited calling during the week provided you call after eleven o’clock at night.
I then offered a buddy of mine a free pitcher of OMB beer if could get me some people signed up for my mushroom hunting tour. He just had to make cold calls some night. It was only a couple of days later that my buddy got arrested for harassing people on the phone. But, before he went to jail he did hook me up with this couple from Chicago who were willing to pay me $500.00 to take them mushroom hunting for the Martin Mushroom festival. Now, not only was I about to make three months wages for just a couple of days work but, I got to drink the pitcher of OMB beer myself since my buddy was in jail and expected to stay there the rest of the spring and maybe part of the summer.
The Chicago couple had lots of bucks. He worked as a store manager and she worked as a nurse. They seemed nice. They were in their forties so they were too old for me to hang out with but, I took them to a nice sports bar where sometimes a former pro athlete drops by. I bought them each a shot of Absolute and then took them to their hotel and put them to bed. It was nine o’clock and I wanted these city slickers to get a good nights rest before I took them into the backwoods. They were both on the pudgy side so, I hoped neither of them would have a heart attack.
After I dropped the old folks off, I went to a topless bar. The next day when we got to the woods I regretted staying out until two. All the birds sounded like they were screaming in my ears and the swamp mold were doing a job to my sinuses. We walked through a swamp and then a black berry briar patch and then, we came across a whole slug of mushrooms. Since we were going to the morel mushroom festival, I figured these must be morel mushrooms. My brother once had his stomach pumped when he ate a mess of poison mushrooms. But, for $500.00 I was willing to take a chance that these were morels and anyway, these people should not be going mushroom hunting if they did not know what they were doing. Furthermore, the people at the mushroom festival would tell us if these were not morel mushrooms the geezers seemed real happy filling up their bag with the stringy pink capped beauties.
After we returned to the car we drove to Martin where the mushroom festival was held. Unfortunately, I was a bit off on my dates and the mushroom festival did not start until the following weekend. The couple was a little perturbed but, I suggested that they come back the next weekend and I would only charge them half price for my services. They agreed.
The couple returned to Chicago with their mushrooms. Three days went by and I had not heard from them in regards to their upcoming redeployment to the mushroom woods during the Martin Mushroom festival. Finally, on Thursday I gave them a call. Some strange lady answered the phone. When I asked to talk to my customers she said that she was their daughter and that her parents were both in the hospital. I immediately envisioned that my middle-aged meal tickets had been in some terrible accident. When I asked the daughter she said no, they had not been in a car accident. Instead, she said, her parents had gone up North to hunt mushrooms with some “creepy backwoods guy”. The daughter then told me that “the creep” had gotten her parents to pick some deadly poisonous mushrooms. She said her parents fried the mushrooms up like “the creep” told them to do and then, ate the mushrooms with steak and red wine. The daughter did say that her parents would be fine but, they would be turning “the creep” into the Better Business Bureau.
When the daughter asked who I was I decided I had better just hang up the phone. I then decided that the next time I take people mushroom hunting I would first buy a bag of morel mushrooms and then just find a spot and stick them in the ground. (We do the same thing when we guide deer and moose hunters up here). The people would be happy to find the mushrooms and I would still get paid.
Tuesday, June 29, 2021
BACKWOODS PAY TOILET PROFITS
By Tim Colin
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts Online
As you wander along the forest trails of Northern Michigan, I’m sure you have probably been noticing the orange and purple pay chemical restrooms. These pay toilets are being placed everywhere in Michigan’s woodlands. The bright colors make them easy to spot from literally miles away. Virtually every scenic vista you look out upon will have an orange and purple public pay toilet so easily seen that your eyes will be drawn right to it. Because these pay toilets are so numerous, you don’t have to look far to find one. The price is much higher to get into one further out in the forest so, make sure you take along plenty of dollar bills and include some five dollar bills if you intend to go into the deep backwoods. Our facilities DO NOT MAKE CHANGE!!!
So, no longer will people be forced to hold back their natural urges in the forest and, for those less modest, they will no longer have to find a large bush or tree. Hikers in the woods will no longer have to be on the look out for hiker scat. A miss-step along any trail can result in scat tainted athletic shoes that may easily end with the ruin of a pair of expensive athletic sneakers.
Now having these public toilets so readily available to visitors is not only a matter of public privacy and decency but, it is also a matter of public safety. People who relieve themselves in the forest don’t realize it but, what they are doing is putting in a challenge to large predatory animals like cougars, bison, and tree toads. Many people disappear into the bellies of tree toads each year and many of the people I talk to believe it is because of joggers challenging the natural territorial boundaries of the adult, bull toad. People who use our facilities don’t need to worry about animals getting all crazed up because they smell a challenger for their territory. The chemicals in the toilets completely overpower all other smells for miles around. Many people can’t smell anything for days after a trip into one of these chemical safe houses. As an added bonus, people who have dry eyes can expect a surge in natural tear production after just one visit to our new toilet facilities.
Another safety issue is the one regarding poisonous plants which many people inadvertently use when they clean themselves in the woods. In addition to the poisonous plants, you also have to worry about rattlesnakes and venomous spiders whenever you let your guard down for even a moment in Michigan. I will not even talk about bumble bees and the damage they can do.
The cleanliness of our facilities will one day be ranked on a scale of one to five. We don’t have running water in our toilets however; we do have reusable sanitary hand wipes. To keep costs down and to protect the environment, we only issue one hand wipe per toilet per season. We also provide several sheets of toilet paper per facility per season.
Overall, we hope that you will find the use of our outdoor chemical toilets fun and worth using over and over again. I have to disclose that I do have an investment in these facilities therefore, I could get some money from their use however, I am really just glad that I can help to place these environmentally friendly yet, easily seen toilets all over Michigan. Just to remind you once again, please take plenty of one dollar and five dollar bills along with you because our facilities DO NOT MAKE CHANGE!!!
This has been an advertisement for the Load-off Chemical Toilet Company and in no way reflects the views of the owners of this blog. It does reflect poorly on the staff writer/editor who wrote it.
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts Online
As you wander along the forest trails of Northern Michigan, I’m sure you have probably been noticing the orange and purple pay chemical restrooms. These pay toilets are being placed everywhere in Michigan’s woodlands. The bright colors make them easy to spot from literally miles away. Virtually every scenic vista you look out upon will have an orange and purple public pay toilet so easily seen that your eyes will be drawn right to it. Because these pay toilets are so numerous, you don’t have to look far to find one. The price is much higher to get into one further out in the forest so, make sure you take along plenty of dollar bills and include some five dollar bills if you intend to go into the deep backwoods. Our facilities DO NOT MAKE CHANGE!!!
So, no longer will people be forced to hold back their natural urges in the forest and, for those less modest, they will no longer have to find a large bush or tree. Hikers in the woods will no longer have to be on the look out for hiker scat. A miss-step along any trail can result in scat tainted athletic shoes that may easily end with the ruin of a pair of expensive athletic sneakers.
Now having these public toilets so readily available to visitors is not only a matter of public privacy and decency but, it is also a matter of public safety. People who relieve themselves in the forest don’t realize it but, what they are doing is putting in a challenge to large predatory animals like cougars, bison, and tree toads. Many people disappear into the bellies of tree toads each year and many of the people I talk to believe it is because of joggers challenging the natural territorial boundaries of the adult, bull toad. People who use our facilities don’t need to worry about animals getting all crazed up because they smell a challenger for their territory. The chemicals in the toilets completely overpower all other smells for miles around. Many people can’t smell anything for days after a trip into one of these chemical safe houses. As an added bonus, people who have dry eyes can expect a surge in natural tear production after just one visit to our new toilet facilities.
Another safety issue is the one regarding poisonous plants which many people inadvertently use when they clean themselves in the woods. In addition to the poisonous plants, you also have to worry about rattlesnakes and venomous spiders whenever you let your guard down for even a moment in Michigan. I will not even talk about bumble bees and the damage they can do.
The cleanliness of our facilities will one day be ranked on a scale of one to five. We don’t have running water in our toilets however; we do have reusable sanitary hand wipes. To keep costs down and to protect the environment, we only issue one hand wipe per toilet per season. We also provide several sheets of toilet paper per facility per season.
Overall, we hope that you will find the use of our outdoor chemical toilets fun and worth using over and over again. I have to disclose that I do have an investment in these facilities therefore, I could get some money from their use however, I am really just glad that I can help to place these environmentally friendly yet, easily seen toilets all over Michigan. Just to remind you once again, please take plenty of one dollar and five dollar bills along with you because our facilities DO NOT MAKE CHANGE!!!
This has been an advertisement for the Load-off Chemical Toilet Company and in no way reflects the views of the owners of this blog. It does reflect poorly on the staff writer/editor who wrote it.
Thursday, July 26, 2018
RUMPLE STILLSKIN: GOLD TRADER
By Tim Colin
Editor
Humor News Nuts Editor
I recently caught up with Dr. Rumple Stillskin, also known as “The Gold Bug”, and the leading expert on the production of gold. Upon entering the Stillskin tower in Pontiac Michigan I noticed that there were hundreds of infants in the lobby. Several nurses were running around changing diapers and giving bottles to the infants. The entire place looked like a mega daycare center. All the bawling babies was really getting on my nerves and I was glad to get on the express elevator which took me to the top floor where I met with Dr. Stilskin in his very sheik gold leaf covered office.
After I entered the office I walked up to a large gold desk where a short little man with a long pointed nose sat. He was dressed up in cloths that you would find on a garden gnome. The poor little fellow had his head down on his desk and was crying profusely. “What’s wrong little guy?” I asked.
“I’ve got a really bad problem, “the little man sobbed. “You see I’m spending all my money taking care of all these babies and I don’t know what to do. “
“Well, what happened,” I asked? “Surely all these children aren’t yours are they?”
“Of course not,” replied Stillskin. These are all babies I took from mothers in lieu of paying me for making them rich. You see I spent days working my behind off for thousands of women over the years. For, I am an expert at spinning common straw into gold. The only thing I ever required from anyone was that if I made them a pile of gold out of straw then they would have to buy me a box of Juju Beans.”
I was a bit perplexed. I wondered why a may with such great wealth had to have someone else buy JUJU Beans for him. “Why couldn’t you just go and buy JUJU Beans yourself?” I asked.
“I would buy them myself,” Stillskin replied in an angry voice, “but, they won’t sell JUJU Beans to anyone less than four feet tall and I’m only three feet six inches tall. I told them that I was more like four feet five inches tall but, they said that my long pointy hat doesn’t count. Anyway, I devised this scheme of spinning gold for maidens so they could have a dowry in order to attract a prince charming or, at least a doctor for a husband. Everything was going swell until about nine months ago when the first maiden decided to renege on the deal. I made the gold for her and she would not give me even one single JUJU Bean. “
“For shame,” I declared,” What is this world coming too?”
“For shame indeed,” agreed the little man. “So, I said to her that if she would not give me my fee then I would take her first born and raise it as my own child. Then, after the maiden had her first child I showed up to take it, figuring all the while the girl would break down and pay me in order to keep her baby. But, when she saw me she gladly shoved the baby over to me and said “here, the kid is yours. I can’t stand kids after all and the cost of pampers is really eating away at my dowry. This kid is so expensive now what is it going to cost me to send him off to medical school so he can become a doctor like his daddy. No, you keep him and spend the money raising him. I and my husband will just stop by once in a while to take him out to dinner. With you footing the bill for raising him we could afford a really decent restaurant. “
“So there you have it,” sobbed the little man. “I have hundreds of children to raise and the courts won’t force the parents to give me any financial help. The court said that ’a contract is a contract’, so, I am really hosed. Oh woe is me. And the parents even get visitation rights.” The little man just kept wailing away. It got so that he was worse than the kids downstairs so I was out of there. I grabbed what I thought were gold straws on my way out the door but, when I got home what I thought were gold straws turned out to be just some of the old mans nose hairs that he had clipped off in the lobby. This was a most disturbing day.
Editor
Humor News Nuts Editor
I recently caught up with Dr. Rumple Stillskin, also known as “The Gold Bug”, and the leading expert on the production of gold. Upon entering the Stillskin tower in Pontiac Michigan I noticed that there were hundreds of infants in the lobby. Several nurses were running around changing diapers and giving bottles to the infants. The entire place looked like a mega daycare center. All the bawling babies was really getting on my nerves and I was glad to get on the express elevator which took me to the top floor where I met with Dr. Stilskin in his very sheik gold leaf covered office.
After I entered the office I walked up to a large gold desk where a short little man with a long pointed nose sat. He was dressed up in cloths that you would find on a garden gnome. The poor little fellow had his head down on his desk and was crying profusely. “What’s wrong little guy?” I asked.
“I’ve got a really bad problem, “the little man sobbed. “You see I’m spending all my money taking care of all these babies and I don’t know what to do. “
“Well, what happened,” I asked? “Surely all these children aren’t yours are they?”
“Of course not,” replied Stillskin. These are all babies I took from mothers in lieu of paying me for making them rich. You see I spent days working my behind off for thousands of women over the years. For, I am an expert at spinning common straw into gold. The only thing I ever required from anyone was that if I made them a pile of gold out of straw then they would have to buy me a box of Juju Beans.”
I was a bit perplexed. I wondered why a may with such great wealth had to have someone else buy JUJU Beans for him. “Why couldn’t you just go and buy JUJU Beans yourself?” I asked.
“I would buy them myself,” Stillskin replied in an angry voice, “but, they won’t sell JUJU Beans to anyone less than four feet tall and I’m only three feet six inches tall. I told them that I was more like four feet five inches tall but, they said that my long pointy hat doesn’t count. Anyway, I devised this scheme of spinning gold for maidens so they could have a dowry in order to attract a prince charming or, at least a doctor for a husband. Everything was going swell until about nine months ago when the first maiden decided to renege on the deal. I made the gold for her and she would not give me even one single JUJU Bean. “
“For shame,” I declared,” What is this world coming too?”
“For shame indeed,” agreed the little man. “So, I said to her that if she would not give me my fee then I would take her first born and raise it as my own child. Then, after the maiden had her first child I showed up to take it, figuring all the while the girl would break down and pay me in order to keep her baby. But, when she saw me she gladly shoved the baby over to me and said “here, the kid is yours. I can’t stand kids after all and the cost of pampers is really eating away at my dowry. This kid is so expensive now what is it going to cost me to send him off to medical school so he can become a doctor like his daddy. No, you keep him and spend the money raising him. I and my husband will just stop by once in a while to take him out to dinner. With you footing the bill for raising him we could afford a really decent restaurant. “
“So there you have it,” sobbed the little man. “I have hundreds of children to raise and the courts won’t force the parents to give me any financial help. The court said that ’a contract is a contract’, so, I am really hosed. Oh woe is me. And the parents even get visitation rights.” The little man just kept wailing away. It got so that he was worse than the kids downstairs so I was out of there. I grabbed what I thought were gold straws on my way out the door but, when I got home what I thought were gold straws turned out to be just some of the old mans nose hairs that he had clipped off in the lobby. This was a most disturbing day.
Saturday, April 1, 2017
THE SMALL BUSINESS CONUNDRUM
By Tim Colin
We are a nation of small businesses however, almost all small businesses fail. This would logically lead us to the conclusion that we are a nation of failures but, we are one of the riches nations in North America. In fact, in most of the United States the unemployment rate is well below 35%. It seems Americans are all extremely successful while we bask in one dismal business failure after another. How is this possible? It seems we have come to what you might call a “small business conundrum“. In order to get some answers to this question I recently talked to Dr. E. Con Omist professor of economics at Willow Run Packaged Liqueur and Spirits since 1877.
I asked Dr. Omist about the state of the U.S. economy and why so many small businesses fail while the United States is prospering as it has never done before. Dr. Omist said that, “Yes, most small businesses do fail. They fail because the only thing we do in the U.S. is retail You see retail is predicated on a guy going into some other guys store and buying say, a can of tuna fish. The guy who buys the tuna fish takes it back to his store and waits for the guy he bought the tuna from to come in and buy the tuna fish back at a higher price. This buy and resell at a higher price premise is the whole underpinning of the U.S. economy. You buy my tuna fish then, I buy it back at a higher price then, you buy it back from me at an even higher price and everyone makes a profit. The problem comes along when some stupid jerk gets hungry and decides to eat the tuna fish. Then, of course you cause the complete collapse of the economy.”
“So, how is it that this nation is still so successful?” I asked.
Dr. Omist answered me by saying that, “Our success is predicated on the fact that most retailers have started to sell take out liqueur. Despite the facts, Americans are under the delusion that they don’t have jobs, are losing their homes and, are becoming poorer than previous generations. Their delusional thinking drives then to drinking hence, we have the engine that drives our country which is namely take out liqueur. Of course, if more people are drinking more heavily then there will come a day when the need for liver transplants will skyrocket. That will spur along our health industry. In short, take out liqueur is the catalyst that will keep the U.S. economy growing well into the 22nd century. If the government gave out cash vouchers to every American to purchase scotch and bourbon then the economy would be much better stimulated than by some jive jobs bill because, when it comes to stimulus jobs might be slicker but, liqueur is much quicker.”
Then I said, “You mean you can lead a worker to water but, he’d rather go to the bar. “
“That‘s exactly right,” replied the Professor..
THE END
We are a nation of small businesses however, almost all small businesses fail. This would logically lead us to the conclusion that we are a nation of failures but, we are one of the riches nations in North America. In fact, in most of the United States the unemployment rate is well below 35%. It seems Americans are all extremely successful while we bask in one dismal business failure after another. How is this possible? It seems we have come to what you might call a “small business conundrum“. In order to get some answers to this question I recently talked to Dr. E. Con Omist professor of economics at Willow Run Packaged Liqueur and Spirits since 1877.
I asked Dr. Omist about the state of the U.S. economy and why so many small businesses fail while the United States is prospering as it has never done before. Dr. Omist said that, “Yes, most small businesses do fail. They fail because the only thing we do in the U.S. is retail You see retail is predicated on a guy going into some other guys store and buying say, a can of tuna fish. The guy who buys the tuna fish takes it back to his store and waits for the guy he bought the tuna from to come in and buy the tuna fish back at a higher price. This buy and resell at a higher price premise is the whole underpinning of the U.S. economy. You buy my tuna fish then, I buy it back at a higher price then, you buy it back from me at an even higher price and everyone makes a profit. The problem comes along when some stupid jerk gets hungry and decides to eat the tuna fish. Then, of course you cause the complete collapse of the economy.”
“So, how is it that this nation is still so successful?” I asked.
Dr. Omist answered me by saying that, “Our success is predicated on the fact that most retailers have started to sell take out liqueur. Despite the facts, Americans are under the delusion that they don’t have jobs, are losing their homes and, are becoming poorer than previous generations. Their delusional thinking drives then to drinking hence, we have the engine that drives our country which is namely take out liqueur. Of course, if more people are drinking more heavily then there will come a day when the need for liver transplants will skyrocket. That will spur along our health industry. In short, take out liqueur is the catalyst that will keep the U.S. economy growing well into the 22nd century. If the government gave out cash vouchers to every American to purchase scotch and bourbon then the economy would be much better stimulated than by some jive jobs bill because, when it comes to stimulus jobs might be slicker but, liqueur is much quicker.”
Then I said, “You mean you can lead a worker to water but, he’d rather go to the bar. “
“That‘s exactly right,” replied the Professor..
THE END
Sunday, March 19, 2017
HEALTHY EASTER EGGS
By Tim Colin
I recently went to downtown Traverse City Michigan to visit the Veggie Confectionaries Corporation. This small town business is internationally famous for making healthy candy treats out of hated vegetables like rutabagas, turnips and okra. The candied okra pods were a favorite gift given out by Russian Nobility to the peasant classes each Christmas. Why the peasants revolted against such kindnesses is still one of histories mysteries.
This year the VCC is branching out and making up several million batches of healthy Easter Candy including both eggs and bunnies. This year the bunnies will be made out of replicated soy butter and flavored on the outside with reengineered outdated chocolate milk that the VCC received free of charge from a dairy located in New Mexico. Unlike most Easter Bunnies these bunnies are not hollow on the inside. Instead, each bunny is carefully injected with an entire can of cream of broccoli soup mixed with imitation maple syrup. The imitation maple syrup really kicks it up a notch.
Now, before you get on the internet to order a few dozen delectable bunnies from VCC you should also consider ordering some very special heart healthy Easter Eggs. VCC does not make Easter Eggs out of real eggs. Instead, they make their eggs out of carefully selected turnips which they hand carve into perfect looking white eggs. Then, each egg is carefully dipped into beet juice which turns each egg a beautiful red. After the beet juice has seeped deep into the turnip, the turnip is then boiled until it is mushy just like a real boiled egg. It is then time for the eggs to go to have their insides drained out. After the turnip has no guts left inside of it out then, a mixture of honey, brown sugar and chopped fried onion bits is blown into the egg. After the egg is full the hole is then sealed lovingly with a dash of confectionaries sugar.
It is obvious that this year we are all in for some really healthy treats when it comes to Easter Candy. Everyone today is talking about health reform but, a big part of health reform has to do with reforming ourselves. We must all dedicate ourselves to eating healthy foods made out of things no one wants to eat.
I recently went to downtown Traverse City Michigan to visit the Veggie Confectionaries Corporation. This small town business is internationally famous for making healthy candy treats out of hated vegetables like rutabagas, turnips and okra. The candied okra pods were a favorite gift given out by Russian Nobility to the peasant classes each Christmas. Why the peasants revolted against such kindnesses is still one of histories mysteries.
This year the VCC is branching out and making up several million batches of healthy Easter Candy including both eggs and bunnies. This year the bunnies will be made out of replicated soy butter and flavored on the outside with reengineered outdated chocolate milk that the VCC received free of charge from a dairy located in New Mexico. Unlike most Easter Bunnies these bunnies are not hollow on the inside. Instead, each bunny is carefully injected with an entire can of cream of broccoli soup mixed with imitation maple syrup. The imitation maple syrup really kicks it up a notch.
Now, before you get on the internet to order a few dozen delectable bunnies from VCC you should also consider ordering some very special heart healthy Easter Eggs. VCC does not make Easter Eggs out of real eggs. Instead, they make their eggs out of carefully selected turnips which they hand carve into perfect looking white eggs. Then, each egg is carefully dipped into beet juice which turns each egg a beautiful red. After the beet juice has seeped deep into the turnip, the turnip is then boiled until it is mushy just like a real boiled egg. It is then time for the eggs to go to have their insides drained out. After the turnip has no guts left inside of it out then, a mixture of honey, brown sugar and chopped fried onion bits is blown into the egg. After the egg is full the hole is then sealed lovingly with a dash of confectionaries sugar.
It is obvious that this year we are all in for some really healthy treats when it comes to Easter Candy. Everyone today is talking about health reform but, a big part of health reform has to do with reforming ourselves. We must all dedicate ourselves to eating healthy foods made out of things no one wants to eat.
Wednesday, February 1, 2017
BEANS AND WEENIES AND PLASTIC UNDERWEAR
By Tim Colin
Associate Editor Humor News Nuts
A few years ago when the public was shocked to find out that our most brilliant minds at NASA wear plastic underwear on spaceflights and to kidnap romantic rivals. Although the American people were surprised by the usage of plastic underwear such surprise gave way to acceptance especially among he younger generations. Many started to wear their underwear on the outside of their clothes just to prove to everyone that their underwear was truly made out of leak proof plastic and not that cottony stuff that just gets wet, sticks to your body and after a while gets really cold. Plastic underwear, on the other hand, holds the heat in and up close to your body. It’s like walking around with your own personal waterbed.
Of course if it’s number two and not number one then, you might not want to walk around with it unchanged for too long. For example, people that wear smelly underwear often have trouble getting dates. My smelly cousin is 27 years old and she has never even been kissed let alone gone out on a date. Furthermore, when she leaves the room no one misses her.
Overall, plastic underwear, when used correctly, can help shield people from embarrassment during those busy times when looking for a place to relieve oneself is just not an option. The time for plastic underwear is here to stay so, get used to it. I am intending on finding and investing in a company that will specialize in making adult disposable plastic underwear especially for that sudden scare people will have when the world ends in 2012. When the big what ever it is happens in 2012 a lot of people are going to need a change of underwear so, why not get the marketing for this big event going now. Get people prepared. Buying plastic underwear should be as much of a 2012 preparation as buying gold or stocking up on cases of caned beans and weenies. Just make sure you check the expiration dates on those cans of beans and weenies or you might run out of your supplies of 2012 plastic underwear prematurely.
Associate Editor Humor News Nuts
A few years ago when the public was shocked to find out that our most brilliant minds at NASA wear plastic underwear on spaceflights and to kidnap romantic rivals. Although the American people were surprised by the usage of plastic underwear such surprise gave way to acceptance especially among he younger generations. Many started to wear their underwear on the outside of their clothes just to prove to everyone that their underwear was truly made out of leak proof plastic and not that cottony stuff that just gets wet, sticks to your body and after a while gets really cold. Plastic underwear, on the other hand, holds the heat in and up close to your body. It’s like walking around with your own personal waterbed.
Of course if it’s number two and not number one then, you might not want to walk around with it unchanged for too long. For example, people that wear smelly underwear often have trouble getting dates. My smelly cousin is 27 years old and she has never even been kissed let alone gone out on a date. Furthermore, when she leaves the room no one misses her.
Overall, plastic underwear, when used correctly, can help shield people from embarrassment during those busy times when looking for a place to relieve oneself is just not an option. The time for plastic underwear is here to stay so, get used to it. I am intending on finding and investing in a company that will specialize in making adult disposable plastic underwear especially for that sudden scare people will have when the world ends in 2012. When the big what ever it is happens in 2012 a lot of people are going to need a change of underwear so, why not get the marketing for this big event going now. Get people prepared. Buying plastic underwear should be as much of a 2012 preparation as buying gold or stocking up on cases of caned beans and weenies. Just make sure you check the expiration dates on those cans of beans and weenies or you might run out of your supplies of 2012 plastic underwear prematurely.
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