By Tim Colin
We are a nation of small businesses however, almost all small businesses fail. This would logically lead us to the conclusion that we are a nation of failures but, we are one of the riches nations in North America. In fact, in most of the United States the unemployment rate is well below 35%. It seems Americans are all extremely successful while we bask in one dismal business failure after another. How is this possible? It seems we have come to what you might call a “small business conundrum“. In order to get some answers to this question I recently talked to Dr. E. Con Omist professor of economics at Willow Run Packaged Liqueur and Spirits since 1877.
I asked Dr. Omist about the state of the U.S. economy and why so many small businesses fail while the United States is prospering as it has never done before. Dr. Omist said that, “Yes, most small businesses do fail. They fail because the only thing we do in the U.S. is retail You see retail is predicated on a guy going into some other guys store and buying say, a can of tuna fish. The guy who buys the tuna fish takes it back to his store and waits for the guy he bought the tuna from to come in and buy the tuna fish back at a higher price. This buy and resell at a higher price premise is the whole underpinning of the U.S. economy. You buy my tuna fish then, I buy it back at a higher price then, you buy it back from me at an even higher price and everyone makes a profit. The problem comes along when some stupid jerk gets hungry and decides to eat the tuna fish. Then, of course you cause the complete collapse of the economy.”
“So, how is it that this nation is still so successful?” I asked.
Dr. Omist answered me by saying that, “Our success is predicated on the fact that most retailers have started to sell take out liqueur. Despite the facts, Americans are under the delusion that they don’t have jobs, are losing their homes and, are becoming poorer than previous generations. Their delusional thinking drives then to drinking hence, we have the engine that drives our country which is namely take out liqueur. Of course, if more people are drinking more heavily then there will come a day when the need for liver transplants will skyrocket. That will spur along our health industry. In short, take out liqueur is the catalyst that will keep the U.S. economy growing well into the 22nd century. If the government gave out cash vouchers to every American to purchase scotch and bourbon then the economy would be much better stimulated than by some jive jobs bill because, when it comes to stimulus jobs might be slicker but, liqueur is much quicker.”
Then I said, “You mean you can lead a worker to water but, he’d rather go to the bar. “
“That‘s exactly right,” replied the Professor..
THE END
Saturday, April 1, 2017
Sunday, March 19, 2017
HEALTHY EASTER EGGS
By Tim Colin
I recently went to downtown Traverse City Michigan to visit the Veggie Confectionaries Corporation. This small town business is internationally famous for making healthy candy treats out of hated vegetables like rutabagas, turnips and okra. The candied okra pods were a favorite gift given out by Russian Nobility to the peasant classes each Christmas. Why the peasants revolted against such kindnesses is still one of histories mysteries.
This year the VCC is branching out and making up several million batches of healthy Easter Candy including both eggs and bunnies. This year the bunnies will be made out of replicated soy butter and flavored on the outside with reengineered outdated chocolate milk that the VCC received free of charge from a dairy located in New Mexico. Unlike most Easter Bunnies these bunnies are not hollow on the inside. Instead, each bunny is carefully injected with an entire can of cream of broccoli soup mixed with imitation maple syrup. The imitation maple syrup really kicks it up a notch.
Now, before you get on the internet to order a few dozen delectable bunnies from VCC you should also consider ordering some very special heart healthy Easter Eggs. VCC does not make Easter Eggs out of real eggs. Instead, they make their eggs out of carefully selected turnips which they hand carve into perfect looking white eggs. Then, each egg is carefully dipped into beet juice which turns each egg a beautiful red. After the beet juice has seeped deep into the turnip, the turnip is then boiled until it is mushy just like a real boiled egg. It is then time for the eggs to go to have their insides drained out. After the turnip has no guts left inside of it out then, a mixture of honey, brown sugar and chopped fried onion bits is blown into the egg. After the egg is full the hole is then sealed lovingly with a dash of confectionaries sugar.
It is obvious that this year we are all in for some really healthy treats when it comes to Easter Candy. Everyone today is talking about health reform but, a big part of health reform has to do with reforming ourselves. We must all dedicate ourselves to eating healthy foods made out of things no one wants to eat.
I recently went to downtown Traverse City Michigan to visit the Veggie Confectionaries Corporation. This small town business is internationally famous for making healthy candy treats out of hated vegetables like rutabagas, turnips and okra. The candied okra pods were a favorite gift given out by Russian Nobility to the peasant classes each Christmas. Why the peasants revolted against such kindnesses is still one of histories mysteries.
This year the VCC is branching out and making up several million batches of healthy Easter Candy including both eggs and bunnies. This year the bunnies will be made out of replicated soy butter and flavored on the outside with reengineered outdated chocolate milk that the VCC received free of charge from a dairy located in New Mexico. Unlike most Easter Bunnies these bunnies are not hollow on the inside. Instead, each bunny is carefully injected with an entire can of cream of broccoli soup mixed with imitation maple syrup. The imitation maple syrup really kicks it up a notch.
Now, before you get on the internet to order a few dozen delectable bunnies from VCC you should also consider ordering some very special heart healthy Easter Eggs. VCC does not make Easter Eggs out of real eggs. Instead, they make their eggs out of carefully selected turnips which they hand carve into perfect looking white eggs. Then, each egg is carefully dipped into beet juice which turns each egg a beautiful red. After the beet juice has seeped deep into the turnip, the turnip is then boiled until it is mushy just like a real boiled egg. It is then time for the eggs to go to have their insides drained out. After the turnip has no guts left inside of it out then, a mixture of honey, brown sugar and chopped fried onion bits is blown into the egg. After the egg is full the hole is then sealed lovingly with a dash of confectionaries sugar.
It is obvious that this year we are all in for some really healthy treats when it comes to Easter Candy. Everyone today is talking about health reform but, a big part of health reform has to do with reforming ourselves. We must all dedicate ourselves to eating healthy foods made out of things no one wants to eat.
Wednesday, February 1, 2017
BEANS AND WEENIES AND PLASTIC UNDERWEAR
By Tim Colin
Associate Editor Humor News Nuts
A few years ago when the public was shocked to find out that our most brilliant minds at NASA wear plastic underwear on spaceflights and to kidnap romantic rivals. Although the American people were surprised by the usage of plastic underwear such surprise gave way to acceptance especially among he younger generations. Many started to wear their underwear on the outside of their clothes just to prove to everyone that their underwear was truly made out of leak proof plastic and not that cottony stuff that just gets wet, sticks to your body and after a while gets really cold. Plastic underwear, on the other hand, holds the heat in and up close to your body. It’s like walking around with your own personal waterbed.
Of course if it’s number two and not number one then, you might not want to walk around with it unchanged for too long. For example, people that wear smelly underwear often have trouble getting dates. My smelly cousin is 27 years old and she has never even been kissed let alone gone out on a date. Furthermore, when she leaves the room no one misses her.
Overall, plastic underwear, when used correctly, can help shield people from embarrassment during those busy times when looking for a place to relieve oneself is just not an option. The time for plastic underwear is here to stay so, get used to it. I am intending on finding and investing in a company that will specialize in making adult disposable plastic underwear especially for that sudden scare people will have when the world ends in 2012. When the big what ever it is happens in 2012 a lot of people are going to need a change of underwear so, why not get the marketing for this big event going now. Get people prepared. Buying plastic underwear should be as much of a 2012 preparation as buying gold or stocking up on cases of caned beans and weenies. Just make sure you check the expiration dates on those cans of beans and weenies or you might run out of your supplies of 2012 plastic underwear prematurely.
Associate Editor Humor News Nuts
A few years ago when the public was shocked to find out that our most brilliant minds at NASA wear plastic underwear on spaceflights and to kidnap romantic rivals. Although the American people were surprised by the usage of plastic underwear such surprise gave way to acceptance especially among he younger generations. Many started to wear their underwear on the outside of their clothes just to prove to everyone that their underwear was truly made out of leak proof plastic and not that cottony stuff that just gets wet, sticks to your body and after a while gets really cold. Plastic underwear, on the other hand, holds the heat in and up close to your body. It’s like walking around with your own personal waterbed.
Of course if it’s number two and not number one then, you might not want to walk around with it unchanged for too long. For example, people that wear smelly underwear often have trouble getting dates. My smelly cousin is 27 years old and she has never even been kissed let alone gone out on a date. Furthermore, when she leaves the room no one misses her.
Overall, plastic underwear, when used correctly, can help shield people from embarrassment during those busy times when looking for a place to relieve oneself is just not an option. The time for plastic underwear is here to stay so, get used to it. I am intending on finding and investing in a company that will specialize in making adult disposable plastic underwear especially for that sudden scare people will have when the world ends in 2012. When the big what ever it is happens in 2012 a lot of people are going to need a change of underwear so, why not get the marketing for this big event going now. Get people prepared. Buying plastic underwear should be as much of a 2012 preparation as buying gold or stocking up on cases of caned beans and weenies. Just make sure you check the expiration dates on those cans of beans and weenies or you might run out of your supplies of 2012 plastic underwear prematurely.
Sunday, January 15, 2017
PLASTIC UNDERWEAR: IT’S NOT JUST FOR ROCKET SCEINTISTS ANYMORE
By Tim Colin
A few years ago when the public was shocked to find out that our most brilliant minds at NASA wear plastic underwear on spaceflights and to kidnap romantic rivals. Although the American people were surprised by the usage of plastic underwear, such surprise gave way to acceptance, especially among he younger generations. Many started to wear their underwear on the outside of their clothes just to prove to everyone that their underwear was truly made out of leak proof plastic and not that cottony stuff that just gets wet, sticks to your body and after a while gets really cold. Plastic underwear, on the other hand, holds the heat in and up close to your body. It’s like walking around with your own personal waterbed.
Of course if it’s number two and not number one then, you might not want to walk around with it unchanged for too long. For example, people that wear smelly underwear often have trouble getting dates. My cousin Smelly is 27 years old and she has never even been kissed let alone gone out on a date. Furthermore, when she leaves the room no one misses her.
Overall, plastic underwear, when used correctly, can help shield people from embarrassment during those busy times when looking for a place to relieve oneself is just not an option. The time for plastic underwear is here to stay so, get used to it. I am intending on finding and investing in a company that will specialize in making adult disposable plastic underwear especially for that sudden scare people will have when the world ends in 2012. When the big what ever it is happens in 2012, a lot of people are going to need a change of underwear so, why not get the marketing for this big event going now. Get people prepared. Buying plastic underwear should be as much of a 2012 preparation as buying gold or stocking up on cases of caned beans and weenies. Jus t make sure you check the expiration dates on those cans of beans and weenies or you might run out of your supplies of 2012 plastic underwear prematurely.
A few years ago when the public was shocked to find out that our most brilliant minds at NASA wear plastic underwear on spaceflights and to kidnap romantic rivals. Although the American people were surprised by the usage of plastic underwear, such surprise gave way to acceptance, especially among he younger generations. Many started to wear their underwear on the outside of their clothes just to prove to everyone that their underwear was truly made out of leak proof plastic and not that cottony stuff that just gets wet, sticks to your body and after a while gets really cold. Plastic underwear, on the other hand, holds the heat in and up close to your body. It’s like walking around with your own personal waterbed.
Of course if it’s number two and not number one then, you might not want to walk around with it unchanged for too long. For example, people that wear smelly underwear often have trouble getting dates. My cousin Smelly is 27 years old and she has never even been kissed let alone gone out on a date. Furthermore, when she leaves the room no one misses her.
Overall, plastic underwear, when used correctly, can help shield people from embarrassment during those busy times when looking for a place to relieve oneself is just not an option. The time for plastic underwear is here to stay so, get used to it. I am intending on finding and investing in a company that will specialize in making adult disposable plastic underwear especially for that sudden scare people will have when the world ends in 2012. When the big what ever it is happens in 2012, a lot of people are going to need a change of underwear so, why not get the marketing for this big event going now. Get people prepared. Buying plastic underwear should be as much of a 2012 preparation as buying gold or stocking up on cases of caned beans and weenies. Jus t make sure you check the expiration dates on those cans of beans and weenies or you might run out of your supplies of 2012 plastic underwear prematurely.
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