By Tim Colin
We are a nation of small businesses however, almost all small businesses fail. This would logically lead us to the conclusion that we are a nation of failures but, we are one of the riches nations in North America. In fact, in most of the United States the unemployment rate is well below 35%. It seems Americans are all extremely successful while we bask in one dismal business failure after another. How is this possible? It seems we have come to what you might call a “small business conundrum“. In order to get some answers to this question I recently talked to Dr. E. Con Omist professor of economics at Willow Run Packaged Liqueur and Spirits since 1877.
I asked Dr. Omist about the state of the U.S. economy and why so many small businesses fail while the United States is prospering as it has never done before. Dr. Omist said that, “Yes, most small businesses do fail. They fail because the only thing we do in the U.S. is retail You see retail is predicated on a guy going into some other guys store and buying say, a can of tuna fish. The guy who buys the tuna fish takes it back to his store and waits for the guy he bought the tuna from to come in and buy the tuna fish back at a higher price. This buy and resell at a higher price premise is the whole underpinning of the U.S. economy. You buy my tuna fish then, I buy it back at a higher price then, you buy it back from me at an even higher price and everyone makes a profit. The problem comes along when some stupid jerk gets hungry and decides to eat the tuna fish. Then, of course you cause the complete collapse of the economy.”
“So, how is it that this nation is still so successful?” I asked.
Dr. Omist answered me by saying that, “Our success is predicated on the fact that most retailers have started to sell take out liqueur. Despite the facts, Americans are under the delusion that they don’t have jobs, are losing their homes and, are becoming poorer than previous generations. Their delusional thinking drives then to drinking hence, we have the engine that drives our country which is namely take out liqueur. Of course, if more people are drinking more heavily then there will come a day when the need for liver transplants will skyrocket. That will spur along our health industry. In short, take out liqueur is the catalyst that will keep the U.S. economy growing well into the 22nd century. If the government gave out cash vouchers to every American to purchase scotch and bourbon then the economy would be much better stimulated than by some jive jobs bill because, when it comes to stimulus jobs might be slicker but, liqueur is much quicker.”
Then I said, “You mean you can lead a worker to water but, he’d rather go to the bar. “
“That‘s exactly right,” replied the Professor..
THE END
